the great ennui of twenty nineteen


i've been feeling a certain kind of way, like the sleepiness of a sunday afternoon at home that stretches on for weeks.

there aren't a lot of deciduous trees here in the city and the closest thing that feels like autumn is the glow of golden tones that come from the sun carving an edge of light along the contours of flowers and leaves.


a history of love by nicole krauss

part of you thought:
please don't look at me.
if you don't, i can still turn away,
ride off on my bicycle,
kick a stone,
remain uncomplicated.

and part of you thought:
look at me.

i read this in high school and have never found better words to describe the war that wages inside my maze of contradictions. i wasn’t made for this black and white world.

this was the last snapshot on my latest roll, hastily taken at the end of a long day and just before dropping off the film for development. i very rarely ever see myself in film, and it feels almost confrontational to look at this portrait of a girl with smudged make up and messy hair and recognize that it's me.

i've been getting better at accepting the way i look. i think my favorite thing about myself is the plethora of tiny moles speckled across my face because they remind me of constellations scattered across the night sky and sometimes i think, ah, if i could just trace these invisible lines, maybe then we'll uncover the map of who i am and, maybe, at last, i'll be seen.


i saw you in a dream, you came to me; you were the sweetest apparition.


i went to see the japanese house play at the fillmore last night. the stage glowed, the lights glittered, and the music ebbed and flowed in and out of our swaying bodies. i said, “this is like heaven, isn’t it?”

even at 2am, their lyrics continued replaying over and over in my head as i dragged graphite along newsprint, each mark engraving the thin paper in the same way the words were carving a permanent home in my mind. i woke up wishing i saw you in my dreams. that would have been nice.

it isn’t the same but it is enough.