red flowering gum blossoms along pine street were a highlight of the month. because of the warm air and blue skies, i wandered around meandering streets alone more than usual in august, headphones playing all my favorite summer love songs in one ear and the sounds of cars buzzing in the other. i tried very, very hard to love this city.
but this place just continually insists on hurting me. here are my personal favorite highlights:
“here is a love that you thought would last; let’s just make a mess of that and create doubt in your ability to be loved”
“here is an opportunity to show your artwork; let’s make this gallery attendee neg you, completely question whether or not your work is art, and ask you out on a date, making you feel even more devalued and useless than you already did to begin with”
“here is a beautiful apartment in the middle of the city; let’s also give you a view of a rooftop that you can stare at wistfully as you fall deeper and deeper into depression”
“here is someone you actually really like spending time laughing with; let’s inspire them stomp the shit out of your self esteem ‘cause it’s fun”
“here is a job that seems like everything you’ve ever wanted and worked towards; let’s package it with some emotional abuse and a gaslighting so bad that it will take nearly half a year to recover creatively and mentally.
“here is an old college crush that still makes you smile; let’s have him break your heart into a million tiny pieces… again… unprompted”
“here are all these amazing friends who inspire you to be more compassionate, active in the community, and thoughtful in everything you do; let’s place them in the middle of the most culturally backwards, empathy bankrupt, tech bro-saturated place you’ve ever been in”
this is no one’s fault. everyone is going through something and everyone has their own messiness to deal with. it is all just a byproduct of the nature of this place. we just keep wanting and wanting and ending up nowhere.
i feel so much pressure from everyone around me. i’m spread too thin and there never seems to be enough boundaries or time to make it right. of course, the first place my mind goes to is bilbo baggins – “like butter scraped over too much bread.”
lately there’s been such a large emphasis on finding happiness, finding a lover, and just doing everything, but what no one seems to understand is that i’m still just trying to figure out how to survive. i keep hearing “you deserve someone like ___” or “you deserve happiness” and to be quite honest, it has nothing to do with deserving. these are not the things i strive for nor do i think they will satisfy my life.
i just want to be okay. i don’t need unbounded happiness, i don’t need a whirlwind of a romance, and i don’t need to do abso-fucking-lutely everything. i want to be okay doing nothing with someone i care about and to continue creating. that’s all. but someone once told me that the simplest things seem to be the hardest to find.
on the bright side, my bedroom has become a sanctuary of life and color. i love spending time here, reading a thousand books at once, scribbling all over random notebooks, watching movies in a blanket fort, rolling around in bed in my underwear, listening to music with eyes gently closed, creating & being.
i am VERY lucky to be able to afford a space like this in such an expensive city, and i’ve only recently realized that where i am now isn’t all bad. not even close. in fact, i’m actually thriving in all of the work that i get to choose, i’m financially stable enough to not feel the anxiety of losing the foundations of my wellbeing, and i’m still able to spend a couple days a week making things i want to make.
this may not be the best city for someone like me, but it would be foolish for me to think that everything sucks. i’m exceptionally privileged, and i can’t allow myself to lose sight of that.
in conclusion, fuck you, san francisco. i’m a better person than this and i refuse to let you win.